Dr Who? Scary? It is now!

These days it’s like Doctor Who is trapped in its own personal version of Day of the Daleks, with a small band of people who don’t care much for it’s past wanting to change it’s future. I was never scared by anything that happened on screen [I started with The Sea Devils in 1972] and, sorry, but I’ve never got the whole behind the sofa thing – I was always on the edge of my seat and watched Planet of the Spiders, aged 8, on my own.

No, what frightens me is the fact that we are actually having this debate about changing the Doctor into something he’s not. So, since we are now a little over 24 hours away from finding out who the Twelfth Doctor is going to be,  I thought now would be a good time to remind ourselves of the various options that have been placed before us…

First of all, Tom Baker has a lot to answer for. What was nothing more than a mischievous gag that appealed to JNT’s publicity gene back in 1981 has mutated into a monster. The fact that certain people are actually calling for a female Doctor is testament to either how far we have travelled or how far we have fallen in the last 30+ years that people are actually taking such a nonsensical notion seriously.

I do not intend to waste the time of my readers by dwelling in detail upon the arguments for and against Transgenderism in a family show like Doctor Who, instead I intend to adumbrate typical examples of the potential choices open to The Moff. The Doctor’s appearance has changed before, it will change again. But into what I wonder… [see what I did there?]

So, between now and Sunday Night, think about this…

First, some people are still calling for a Black Doctor. Okay, what about Don Warrington. He’s a fantastic actor [given a real run for his money by David Harewood, who came in a very close second], who just happens to be Black, which is what these people say is what really matters.

don warrington doctor who

Having considered that possibility, let’s move onto the other most important consideration for some people, after skin colour of course – gender. Okay, if you think the most important thing about the new Doctor is that they are not a man, then I can’t think of anyone better than Joanna Lumley. The advantage of thinking about casting her is that we already have her audition on tape via Curse of Fatal Death

joanna lumley doctor who

So which of those two options do you prefer?

Or maybe there’s a third way…

Why  don’t we combine these two views into one, that way we can keep those for whom race and gender are more important than acting talent equally happy. Let’s have a Black Female Doctor. Best person I can think of who is both female and black and also just happens to be a bloody good actor is Leonora Crichlow…

leonora crichlow doctor who

Of course, if we were to cast Leonora, you can see the problem straight away can’t you? Exactly. They’ll say we’re only casting her for her looks and not her talent. And making a casting decision based on the possession of just one particular physical attribute would be wrong, wouldn’t it…  So maybe we need to cast someone who is Female and Black but not too Attractive because those are the three most important things we clearly need to look for in a new Doctor. Hmm…

Okay, well, I think I can give you two out of three – she’s a She, so she’s certainly Female, she’s not too Attractive so you’ll be happy about that but unfortunately she is White. Sorry. On the plus side though, she is The Female Tom Baker – what about Miriam Margolyes!

miriam margolyes doctor who

So. What do you think of those choices? Any of them you find particularly appealing? I mean, it’s not as if any of them are racist or sexist choices is it? I mean it’s not as if your advocacy for such a casting decision is motivated by what you think will best advance your agenda instead of what’s best for the show. I mean, to try and use the show like that would be wrong and nobody’s seriously suggesting doing that. Are they? I mean, why just discuss issues of race and sex in Eastenders, when we can do that in Doctor Who as well! Okay, so maybe for some people that’s not what the show’s about but who cares what they think.

Or, you know what? Maybe we could be really radical and just cast a bloody good actor, regardless of their gender or skin colour…

peter capaldi doctor who

…an actor who just happens to be Male and White because that’s what the character is. Some people really seem to have a problem with that. But who would want a woman just for the sake of it? Unless that’s not what’s really going on here…

Of course, if you were to listen to the people advocating choices such as those illustrated above, it would be both sexist and racist not to cast someone Black or Female, or Black And Female. And preferably a Lesbian who becomes Bi-Sexual when she regenerates into Nabil Shaban in 2017.

Which is a very good point. Why is nobody calling for a Disabled Doctor? Why is it okay to make him a Woman or make him Black but not to have him in a wheelchair? Maybe it’s because they don’t want him in a wheelchair. I wonder why…

Of course, maybe the answer is for them to write a new show of their own that has strong, non-stereotypical black, female, lesbian, homosexual, bi-sexual, transgender, transvestite and disabled characters in lead roles.  

Then again, maybe it would be easier to just do that in Doctor Who instead because lots of people still watch that. Or is that me being far too cynical?

Now, let me turn off the sarcasm setting and say this loud and clear in terms which even you lot can understand – why don’t you bastards calling for this nonsense take your poisonous progressive political agenda, shove it up yer arse, fuck off and stop trying to hijack the show I love.

Stop trying to take my Doctor away from me. Fuck off and create your own non-disabled, racially-alternating, gender-swapping hero if that’s what you want.

Leave my Doctor alone.


5 thoughts on “Dr Who? Scary? It is now!

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